5.08.2008

Sports Sayings That Have To Go (Installment 3)

A quick recap of what's been covered so far:

  1. We (they) hit them (us) in the mouth.
  2. Pace.
  3. Meteoric rise.
  4. Here's a guy...
  5. Literally.
  6. Mathematically Eliminated.
Flat out. This phrase is nearly always used in the following context: "Here's a guy who can flat out hit!" Basically, the phrase is a ridiculous way of saying "really." To fix what's wrong with the aforementioned phrase, an announcer would simply have to say, "[Player's last name] can really hit!" It gets the same point across, but in fewer words. I guess many of the phrases cited here are a result of on-air broadcasters having an inappropriately enlarged sense of self-importance. I think they also fear that they have to constantly be saying something in order to earn their paycheck. I suppose it's a culture thing among broadcasters to come up with dumbass modifiers and metaphors. Just use plain English, dammit! It may be hard to believe, but most of the sports fans out here think that most announcers just get in the way of watching a game! If you (I'm speaking to most announcers here) feel you have to state the obvious, keep it short. Tell me, after Votto's 3rd home run, that "Votto can really hit!" Sure I already know, but now you feel better about having said something, and I can get back to enjoying the game sooner. Win-win. Regardless, the rampant use of such sports-isms is out of control. For fuck's sake, they even made a video game called "Flat Out." They should have just called the game "Really."


I apologize... This isn't really a sports-ism, but it's a widespread occurrence in sports. It comes in all different shapes and sizes, and yet, it rarely means anything. It's a pathetic PR attempt by an athlete to cover his ass after knowingly doing something wrong and getting caught. If any of these guys were truly sorry, they wouldn't do the shit in the first place. I want an apology when Football Player X backs over his neighbor's chihuahua in his driveway after not checking the mirrors on his Land Rover. Apologies are for when people fuck up, not when people purposely violate laws or common decency. Or, I could accept an apology when an athlete does something wrong, but admits to it before he is caught. Yeah, kinda like having a conscience. The idea for this entry came to me after listening to Roger Clemens' bullshit blanket apology for "mistakes" he had made. Apparently those mistakes are between him and his family, which is why he didn't disclose them in said apology. Mind you, Clemens' apology came on the heels of the report that he was banging a 15 year old when he was 28. (Roger, come on man... you gotta pay attention to the details.) So while Roger was in Cy Young form, he was fucking this:

Now, in fairness to Roger, that used to be this:

All the same, he knew (or should have known) that what he (allegedly) was doing was wrong. Don't fucking apologize 20 years later because you were outed, you bastard. But Clemens is just one example in a litany of cases in which athletes knowingly do something wrong, then ask for forgiveness once they are caught. Save it... fake apologies are more obvious than when a woman is in denial about having facial hair.

On the hot seat. This phrase is usually used to reference the tenuous situation in which a coach finds himself when his team underachieves (although there is/was a Sportscenter segment where an anchor would lob softball questions to an athlete/coach in rapid succession, thereby creating the illusion of hard-hitting sports journalism). A coach on the hot seat may or may not be fired. Again, a stupid metaphor rears its ugly head thanks to today's sports media pundits and broadcasters. I understand the metaphor... one cannot sit on a hot seat very long. Ever sat on a black vinyl driver's seat when the car has been in the sun all day? You almost have to peel your melted skin off of the seat. Still, can't we reign in the sports media and have a return to plain English? The only hot seat I care to hear about is this one (or one like it):

Maybe more entries later.

~Puddin'

3 comments:

Sexual White Chocolate said...

This has nothing to do with your post, but I have decided to chime in.

So......

Things that piss me off....

Sun Delays
There is something inherently wrong with starting your day despising the fact it is sunny. But sure enough, a glorious day automatically means that I will have an extra 20 minutes to get to work. I am not sure why that pisses me off, I mean I get to work and the first thing I think about is going back home, but dammit I just want to be moving forward.

As a matter of fact, it just plain pisses me off to sit through a 20 minute backup only to get to the "front of the line" and find that it is two idiots in SUVs who had a fender bender probably caused by the bitch on her cell phone not paying attention. I want carnage people. I mean fuck, if I don't get to see bodies on the road, then it is not worth my time to sit in your fucking backup.

Football Announcers who say tell me to "Look at this"
We have all dealt with this...especially on ESPN games. There is a great play and the replay comes up. Sure enough the fat idiot commentator will say something to the effect of "Now watch this" or "Look at this" I mean what the fuck is wrong with this fuck-face. I am watching the game, wouldn't looking at it be part of the reason the set was on in the first place? What does he think, I would be sitting there jerking off until he speaks up and I jump to attention to see what I was not smart enough to see on my own! Um, thanks fat ass.

And another thing, why are these idiots employed? Keyshawn? Emmitt? Goose? I mean what the fuck, you slept through college, have shown time and again how stupid and illiterate you are in your playing days interview, and now, here have a mic and a voice?! WTF? Somewhere there is a guy who busted his ass in college covering Women's Volleyball for his college, actually going to class, and (gasp) researching FACTS?! That fucker is a Barista at Starbucks while illiterate ass Keyshawn is the voice of football. Just pitiful.

Another thing I can't stand. Ear, Nose or Eyebrow Hair that is Bush-like. Now many of you may not know (ok there are 4 ppl reading this so many is a bit of a misnomer so...) NONE of you may know this but I just turned 35 this year. I know that hair will start its geriatric journey from my head to other less desirable places in the near future. But I can guarenfuckentee that I will be vigilant at trimming those places that sprout. I mean there are people that I see who have enough hair growing out of their ear to create a pretty impressive comb-over. Perhaps Locks for Love should contact these people and create some nice wigs for cancer victims from the extraneous hair of these curmudgeons.

Puddin' said...

What the fuck SWC?

This is the Comments section, not your own sounding board. Keep comments relevant to the post or get your own damn blog.

Also, it's nice to have you. We've expanded our readership 25% in the last day... from 4 to 5.

Sexual White Chocolate said...

That hurts...hurts bad man. Apparently in a mathematical anomaly, your readership is about to drop 20%, yet be the same as it was prior to increasing 25%. Math is spooky. (The real question though is will this evoke a response from the SAM and his engineerical wizardness.)