Puddin's Sportsisms in the News

There is an article about Gina Carano by Kevin Iole on MMA Junkie.com. It's a decent article. And for the record, Ms. Carano is seriously putting pressure on my current Top 5.

Well, if you read the article, and you're familiar with this blog, something will jump right off the page. I won't build the suspense. Rather, I'll post one of the comments following the article...

bigd342 [Unregistered] on May 29, 2008 at 2:33 pm ET
Apart from the All Caps and spelling error, this post delighted me to no end. The term was used twice in the article. Twice! The term is horrible, indeed. Thank you for helping spread the word, bigd342.


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UFC 84 Picks Update - PreView

Exciting fights Saturday night. I posted my best pick record for the year, and since I started playing the pick 'em in general: 9-2.

Overall I'm 93-63

For the year I'm 43-28

And once again, there was some discrepancy in my placement on MMAPlayground versus the UFC Fantasy pick 'em. On MMAPlayground, I was 625 out of 7,494. On the UFC site, I was 56 out of 19,355.

I'll leave it to Puddin' to post his own comments, and for me - aside from being disappointed that Tito Ortiz lost (in spite of a hellatious last minute submission attempt), I think the guy who was most impressive was Palhares. In addition to posting the submission of the night (and getting a $75,000 bonus), he looks like the guy to watch.

Other than that, B.J. Penn showed his dominance of the lightweight division in his systematic destruction of Sean Sherk....but then he called out Georges St. Pierre (Welterweight Champion), and even though he and St. Pierre have fought before (and Penn lost), if Dana White doesn't want to let a fight between GSP and Anderson Silva happen, I don't think he should let one between Penn and St. Pierre happen again.

Lastly, Wanderlei Silva appeared to be back to his old self in his blitz of Keith Jardine and newcomer Shane Carwin appears to be the most likely candidate to breathe some life into the HW division.

- PreView And here is the rest of it.
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UFC 84 Chat Recap

Last week, PV and I had a chat session on the upcoming UFC PPV. But as a recap, here are our respective picks...

Wellisch v. Carwin: Puddin' - Wellisch / PV - Carwin

Tan v. Kim: Puddin'/PV - Kim

Koppenhaver v. Yoshida: Puddin'/PV - Yoshida

Clementi v. Etim: Puddin'/PV - Clementi

Sokoudjou v. Nakamura: Puddin' - Nakamura / PV - Sokoudjou

Salaverry v. Palhares: Puddin' - Salaverry / PV - Palhares

Thiago Silva v. Mendes: Puddin'/PV - Silva

Ortiz v. Machida: Puddin' - Machida / PV - Ortiz

Gouveia v. Reljic: Puddin' - Gouveia / PV - Reljic

Wanderlei Silva v. Jardine: Puddin'/PV - Silva

Sherk v. Penn: Puddin' - Penn / PV - Sherk


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LOST and (not really) Found - Update

To the two or three of you who read the LOST articles on the blog - I know that I've been lax with my Lost conspiracy theories and such, but there's a reason for that - I'm three episodes behind. Rest assured, after this week's finale, I'll watch all four in one day and then write what will probably be a 25 page bunch of nonsense on all the episodes. Why? Because I'm a dork like that.

-PreViewAnd here is the rest of it.
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PV and Puddin' Chat Session I - UFC 84

For most (if not all) upcoming UFC events, PV and I will do a chat session. There may be chat sessions about other topics, but this is the plan for now. Without further ado, here's what went down:

Puddin': test.
PV: hello
Puddin': hello
PV: test this
Puddin': i'll test your mom
PV: Want to start at the big matches or the smaller ones?
Puddin': smaller, work our way up. like anal sex.
PV: well, then let's start with John "War Machine Koppenhaver v. Yoshiyuki Yoshida
Puddin': i was actually just thinking to start at the bottom of the fights page at ufc.com: Christian Wellisch v. Shane Carwin
PV: I'm going to go out on a limb here since I'm not familiar with either fighter and say Shane Carwin
Puddin': I'm torn... Wellisch goes by "The Hungarian Nightmare," so that's a strike against him. but his last fight was a win over a guy named Scott Junk. But Carwin is undefeated. Hmm...
PV: Wellisch lost to opponents such as Chieck Kongo and Soa Palelei...he has fought in the UFC twice, while Carwin hasn't fought in the UFC at all, but Carwin is undefeated so far, and has won by KO, TKO and submission
Puddin': I'm going to take Wellisch on UFC experience and beating a guy named Junk
PV: Lol. I'll take Carwin on the new guy factor... Although I do think beating a guy named Junk is an achievement in itself. Next fight?
Puddin': Jason Tan v. Dong Hyun Kim [insert penis joke]
PV: obviously
Puddin': Tan is British. I'll take Dong FTW.
PV: I concur. Dong appears to be one of the few asian guys in the game who consistently scores KOs... and Tan was KO'd severely by Marcus Davis, so I'm going with Dong (and now we can both insert gay jokes). Next fight?
Puddin': 2 Dongs don't make us right.
Puddin': ooh, that looked better before I pushed enter
PV: But 2 Dongs did beat Jenna Jameson (repeatedly)
Puddin': and vice versa!
PV: Lol... also true. Next fight?
Puddin': John Koppenhaver v. Yoshiyuki Yoshida
PV: Ah yes. Koppenahver did have an entertaining fight against Jared Rollins, but you have to look at the quality of competition. It's Yoshida's first fight in the UFC, but he's a judoka, like Karo (JudoBag) Parisyan, and if he can transition his tournament judo to fighting judo even half as effectively as Karo has, I think he's going to whoop up on Koppenhaver. That, and Koppenhaver bawled after he beat Rollins... not just cried, he bawled... so I'm going to count that against him, because with a nickname like War Machine, you shouldn't cry on camera.
Puddin': But Yoshida's nickname is Zenko... it sounds like a herp medicine
PV: Yeah, but he's part of the "Tokyo Yellow Mans" fighting team, how crazy is that?
Puddin': And he's only lost 2 fights... both by decision
PV: Which, I will admit, is a slightly more relevant point. but only slightly.
Puddin': Counterpoint... he is light for a Welterweight at 167. Koppenhaver has the edge on strength, I'd imagine
PV: But I think Yoshida is going to be infintely more agile, and will be able to finesse Koppenhaver
which he may like
PV: Koppenhaver did seem to enjoy rolling around with Jared Rollins...
Puddin': I'll go with Zenko
PV: Good call. I think he's one of the few UFC acquisitions that's going to do well - and unfortunately, after Koppenhaver loses this fight, I think he'll be cut
Puddin': depends... Dana has a hard-on for guys who fight balls out. War Machine fits that bill.
PV: True - Clay Guida is evidence of that... but War Machine is much less a fan favorite that Guida, so if he loses this one, I'd say he's got one more, tops, to prove he's worth the money.
Puddin': i concur
PV: Next fight?
Puddin': Rich Clementi v. Terry Etim
PV: Clementi... he's on a hot streak now.
Puddin': But "No Love"???
PV: Yeah, I know, it's a horrible nickname. I think it could be fight of the night though, as they're both good submissions guys. They might "put on a clinic," if you will...
Puddin': oooh... a candidate for my list - "put on a clinic." Dammit... I want to take Etim, but I can't pick a Brit to win
PV: Lol... true... another way overused sports saying and almost always not true. Anyway, Clementi has a huge edge on experience. I think the closest thing we've seen to a "clinic" lately was Kurt Pellegrino and Nate Diaz
Puddin': go to the clinic and get some Zenko for the sores
PV: Good call.
Puddin': Clementi, but I'm not happy about it.
PV: I'm not entirely happy about it either, but he's done well lately, and I think he'll continue to. Next fight?
Puddin': Sokoudjou v. Kazuhiro Nakamura
PV: Sokoudjou - this should have been his first fight in the UFC, not Lyoto Machida. Regardless, I think he's going to beat Nakamura pretty badly. That, and he comes out in a predator mask, and predator should always beat the alien.
Puddin': I'm going to disagree... Nakamura took Machida and Shogun to decision, he's beaten Vovchanchyn and Randleman, and lost a split decision to Lil Nogueira. Plus, he's beaten a Gracie. And I was completely unimpressed with Sokoudjou in his fight with Machida
PV: True, but he did lose to Machida and Shogun, and if you ever catch any of the old Pride highlights, he was one of the few guys who still fought in a gi, and when he was fighting Wanderlei Silva, Silva was kicking his ass pretty badly, and Nakamura took off his gi top like he was going to do some major damage... and then immediately lost by TKO.
Puddin': Sokoudjou had 2 good wins against Arona and Rogerio... but his record is unimpressive. Nakamura FTW.
PV: Next fight?
Puddin': Ivan Salaverry v. Rousimar Palhares
PV: Palhares. Salaverry is a gatekeeper at best, and Palhares is one of CroCop's prodigies.
Puddin': Sherdog says he trains with BTT
PV: And Palhares has a much better ground game than CroCop. He used to train with BTT but he's with CroCop now. He has been since bfore CroCop lost to Kongo - he cornered CroCop in that fight.
Puddin': well, I think that CroCop was overrated and apparently is a quitter
PV: Why a quitter? He's fighting for DREAM now.
Puddin': is Sylvia not a quitter?
PV: Yeah, but Sylvia was a bitch long before he left the UFC. That, and I hate Sylvia.
Puddin': There is that.
PV: And Sylvia is going to get WORKED by Fedor. I think he might retire after that.
Puddin': I'll take Salaverry... only because he took Lindland to decision and CroCop is a sissy
PV: Don't get me wrong, I like Salaverry - he's a Team Punishment guy, and I love Team Punishment - but I think Palheres is going to take him.
Puddin': don't talk me out of rooting for a team punishment guy. What's wrong with you?
PV: wrong with me? what's wrong with you? You can't just jump on the Team Punishment bandwagon now that you've found somebody you hate less than Tito. :)
Puddin': first of all... I'm not on the Team Punishment bandwagon... I'm just not opening fire as it drives by
PV: Lol... nice.
Puddin': second... how dare you use an emoticon when you're not flirting with a girl. Or are you? Hey, sexy.
PV: you're not a girl? Our relationship has clearly been predicated on lies then - liar. I'm never trusting online profiles again!
Puddin': also, self-reprimand for using the word "emoticon." damn, I suck.
PV: Next fight?
Puddin': Thiago Silva v. Antonio Mendes
PV: Wait a sec... Sorry I was wrong - Palheres is not the one training with CroCop - it's Reljic, the guy fighting Gouveia. I still stand by my decision, though.
Puddin': haha... you're a moron
PV: Hey, it's all the weird names, I can't keep up. Aynway, I'm taking Silva by first round KO.
Puddin': I didn't even have to think about this one. Silva FTW.
PV: Mendes has beaten 3 guys named Silva.
Puddin': so has Jenna Jameson! at the same time!
PV: Also true... but I think this Silva will prevail in this one. Next fight?
Puddin': Ah, a perfect segue... Tito v. Machida
PV: Tito. I know you hate Tito. And I know you were impressed with Machida in his fight. As was I. However, Machida's big weakness is defending against wrestlers and that is Tito's biggest strength. However, I do think Machida is a better striker than Tito, so if Tito is too cocky to take him down, I don't think it will last too long.
Puddin': Machida ended Sokoudjou by triangle, if I remember correctly. And Sokoudjou is better than Tito. I'll take Machida, by the sport not passing him by yet.
PV: Not to mention, Tito has stated over and over this is his last fight in the UFC, and he could demand HUGE money on the free agent market, even with a loss to Machida. However, with a win over Machida, Tito's stock goes way up. I don't think Sokoudjou is better than Tito. A better striker, yes, but I don't think his judo skills would work as well against Tito. Not that they worked against Machida.
Puddin': at least we're typing this. We know you couldn't talk with your mouth full of Tito's tiny cock. Careful, you'll make Jenna jealous.
PV: Lol... nice. It just seems tiny because Jenna's vag is so huge.
Puddin': maybe
PV: Yeah, that was probably the gayest thing I've said today... but the day isn't over.
Puddin': i call shenanigans anyway
PV: Good call... moving on... next fight?
Puddin': Gouveia v. Goran Reljic
PV: Reljic, given my previous CroCop rationale. I don't think Gouveia is anything to write home about.
Puddin': well, fuck CroCop again. And Gouveia has won 6 of his last 7, with his only loss in there against Keith, the Dean of Mean Green Saline Machine Beans, Jardine.
Puddin':Plus, he beat Jon Fitch. [ignores that he lost to Rory Singer in King of the Cage.]
PV: yeah, but one of them was in a different weight class at the time, and Fitch was at a disadvantage either way.
Puddin': wow... so that was the piece you decided to comment on? terrific!
PV: I was typing that out when you threw out the Rory Singer comment - I couldn't think of anything witty besudes the fact that he KO'd Solomon Hutcherson who, when he woke up, asked if he'd won the fight. That, and Singer's nickname is "Version 2.5" and even though I'm a dork, I think that's too over the top.
Puddin': If I were him, my nickname would be "The Jazz"... as an homage to my man Neil Diamond... Rory "The Jazz" Singer. ba da bing.
PV: Homage to Neil Diamond... that deserves a kick in the nuts the next time I see you.
Puddin': I'm pretty sure we're no longer friends. Nobody disses my Neil.
PV: Everywhere around the world... they're coming to Americaaaaaaa. "Your" Neil? And I thought my man-crush on Tito was gay.
Puddin': oh... yeah it's nothing compared to my thing for the Jewish Elvis
PV: Right... right... well this could goon for days, so... next fight?
PV: go on... not goon
Puddin': I understood. thanks for the clarification though
PV: no prob
Puddin': Art Vandalay Enterprises v. The Dean of Mean Green Saline Machine Beans... or... Wanderlei Silva v. Keith Jardine
PV: I got it... Tough one to call. Jardine decisioned Liddell before Liddell decisioned Silva... but Silva does train with a snorkel...
Puddin': and Jardine throws those gay looking punches... which apparently are still effective
PV: And Jardine has a very odd stance, which I think Silva could get into and do some major damage. However, if Jardine can prevent Silva from closing the distance with the kicks like he kept working Liddell with, he might be able to crank out a decision. Silva is really, really quick though, and I think he can get around enough of Jardine's gay punches to do some damage. Jardine is tough though, so I don't think Silva could easily knock him out.
Puddin': Silva doesn't get knocked out either. And Houston Alexander fucked Jardine up
PV: True.
Puddin': Eventually, Silva will close his eyes and swing wildly... all it's gonna take is 1. Jardine will play it safe to win a decision, and then get clocked. Silva by stoppage.
PV: For me, this has been the toughest fight to call... I think Silva by stoppage is right, but it could be a submission stoppage, too - I've never seen any ground game from Jardine, and Silva's got a pretty good ground game. So yeah, Silva by some sort of stoppage.
Puddin': Silva's too old and stubborn to fight this one on the ground, despite his obvious advantage. Quick side note... UFC.com is featuring Franca v. Sherk on its UFC On Demand page. Interesting...
PV: Especially since that post-fight stuff disgraced Sherk and they cut Franca... So who do you think it will be? Sherk or Penn?
Puddin': I hate this fight. I want Penn to win. I think he can. But I think Sherk is going to lay on him for 25 minutes, like he does with everyone else.
PV: Yeah... I think you're right, but I do want Sherk to win. I think Penn is a great fighter, but even with his submission skills, I don't think he has enough strength to crank one of Sherk's arms or legs... and Sherk has no neck that an opponent could choke. I think Penn is going to come out guns blazing though, because that's how he got an extremely quick advantage over Stevenson.
Puddin': and Sherk will take him down and dry hump him to a boring decision
PV: Yeah... because if Sherk took 27 knees to the face from Franca, Penn won't be able to knock him out.
Puddin': And still... I can't say Sherk
PV: I understand - but I can.
Puddin': Penn by karma
PV: I think that might be a bit of a stretch... besides, if Penn loses here, it would give him an excuse to move to MW or something, since he's repeatedly stated he wants to win a belt in all weight classes... which I think overall is unrealistic, but if someone could do it, it would be Penn.
Puddin': He could win in any weight class but the one he naturally falls in... because of Sherk's neck and shoulders
PV: I think you mean lack of neck
Puddin': wait... you think it's a stretch to say that Penn will win?
PV: No - a stretch to say he'll win by karma
Puddin': how does he not have karma over the guy who cheated and only wins by making junior high love to his opponents?
PV: I still don't think Sherk cheated. And he doesn't have good karma because he said he was going to kill Sherk.
Puddin': you don't think Sherk cheated?
Puddin': you're probably involved in a pyramid scheme too.
Puddin': and you thought there were WMDs in Iraq.
Puddin': and you think the moon landing actually happened.
Puddin': I could go on.
Puddin': t-t-t-t-t-day, junior!
PV: No - I don't. He was that muscular and strong before the fight, and if you look at the steroid levels in his blood versus that in Royce Gracie who tested positive for the same thing, they're way different... and no, I'm not involved in a pyramid scheme, unless I start them... I did not think there were WMDs in Iraq, and the moon landing did happen... I've got the original videotape from where they filmed it in my basement... oops...
Puddin': 3 of 4. You support Roger Clemens?
PV: Lol... nope
Puddin': so, what caused the positive test?
Puddin': why do you have to write a fucking novel? space it out so I don't get bored
PV: The fact that Sherk's as muscular as he is, works out as much as he does and takes 800 supplements. The body naturally produces certain level Nandrolene (sp?)... normal levels are 6 or 7 (parts per million/billion/I have no idea). When Royce Gracie tested positive, his levels were in the 60s. When Sherk tested positive, his level was something like 14, and the research they presented to the CSAC showed that people who work out a lot more produce higher levels...
Puddin': NandrolOne
PV: K. Regardless....
Puddin': and yet, he lost his appeal. guilty as fuck.
PV: like CSAC never made a fucking mistake? i.e. saying Nick Diaz benefited in his fight from smoking weed two weeks beforehand...
Puddin': but that's a judgment call, not a science call
PV: it is a science call
Puddin': if his levels were normal, he could have proven it. he didn't.
PV: which one is a judgment call?
Puddin': the weed. no one disputed whether he smoked.
PV: that is scientific - THC is not a performance enhancing drug. It's a banned substance, but not a performance enhancer
Puddin': right... but i'm saying that the drug test was not questioned. with Diaz, it was a judgment call. with Sherk, they looked at data.
PV: Right - and it was a dumbass judgment call - with Sherk, the test was questioned, and CSAC never offered to do a follow-up test... in spite of the fact there's such thing as a false positive...
Puddin': and Sherk didn't do an independent test as evidence
PV: Yes he did. CSAC wouldn't accept the results because the test wasn't done by Quest Diagnostics
Puddin': was it by his brother in the basement?
PV: which is apparently the only testing company in California that CSAC says is legit. But anyway...
Puddin': sorry... from what I understood, the data supported the notion that he didn't stop his cycle soon enough. and I'm willing to believe that...
PV: that is a valid argument, but I just don't believe it.
Puddin': ...not a guy who looks juiced and trains as though he's juiced
PV: If Sherk wasn't such a freak of nature, I might not believe him, but he's always been that way
Puddin': perhaps there's a reason for that
PV: healthy living and Jess
PV: Jess
PV: Jesus
PV: Sorry, my "u" kept sticking. But I suppose it could be healthy living and somebody named Jess
Puddin': weird, there's no "u" in Tito
PV: Lol... nice try
Puddin': i couldn't resist. agree to disagree on this one.
PV: True. I guess this finishes the first official PV and Puddin' collaborative UFC discussion... not too bad.
Puddin': not too bad at all
PV: I think UFC 85 will definitely give us some more quality fights to work with instead of just 3 or 4.
Puddin': any comments on the caption for 84? "Ill Will." Oooooooh.
PV: It sounds dangerous... or not... I suppose it is true, though b/c of the animosity between Sherk and Penn...
Puddin': which will magically vanish after the fight
PV: yeah... and the'y suddenly love each other and talk about what a great fighter the other guy is
Puddin': it's a bigger lock than Machida over Tito
PV: Lol... again, nice try

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Puddin' Hooks Up With His Boss - Postscript

This part of the story is not really as funny, but you, the reader, should have some closure, especially because I told you I would give it to you.

Nearly 2 and a half years after that ridiculous night, I'm sitting in my PR class when I receive an instant message from an obviously female screenname I don't recognize. The conversation went something like this...

: Hey (Puddin')! :)

Me: Hey!
Her: How are you?
Me: Great! How are you?

I have no idea who this is. I'll figure it out though. No problem. I'm tricky.

Her: I'm doing well! :D What are you up to these days? :) ;)
Me: Good to hear. I'm in law school. What about you?
Her: Congratulations! :D ;) [Here, she said something about what she was doing. Who cares.] :P :P
Me: Cool.
Her: Hey, I just wanted to say something... I'm really sorry about the shit that went down that week. I felt really bad about it. :/ :/

I have no idea who this or what she is talking about. My mind is scrambling, trying to figure it out. Is it a girl I hooked up with and didn't call again? Maybe I'm distracted by all the fucking smilies, I don't know. I clue in my buddy, "Wilson," as to what's going on, so he can witness the inevitable train wreck.

Me: Oh, don't worry about it. No big deal.
Her: Really, I'm so so sorry about it. I didn't mean for it to happen like that. :( :/

Why the hell couldn't she give me a clue? Damn vague pronoun references. I'm flat out lost.

: Well, I don't really hold grudges, so all is forgiven. Really, don't worry about it at all.
Her: Thank you so much. You were always cool like that. :) :D ;) :P
Me: I try!

Actually, I don't. Anyway, I still have no fucking clue what is going on, and Wilson is getting a charge out of all of this.

Her: We should catch up some time! :D
: Definitely. It's been a while...
Her: What's your number? ;) ;)
Me: 513-555-1234

Only I gave her my real number. This would prove to be a bad decision... almost epically bad. In my defense, I thought that this may have been a chick I hooked up with, and it's good to keep those ties, just in case, right? Right after I hit "Enter," Wilson elbows me in the ribs, telling me I'm a fucking moron. He was right. There is no defense for my actions, given the amount of information I had to go on.

Her: Thanks! Mine's [insert phone number here.] :D :P
Me: Cool. Well, I'm in class. I should probably at least pretend to pay attention.
Her: I understand. It was good chatting with you! :) :)
Me: You too.
Her: Talk to you soon! :P :D
Me: Bye.

Proving himself a trustworthy ally, Wilson suggests a reverse look-up of the phone number in order to discover the identity of this mystery internet woman. Off to whitepages.com I go. While no name is returned, the number is from a small town outside of where I went to undergrad. I rack my brain as to who I know that lives there, and I slowly remember the screenname. No, it couldn't be. There's no way. Jesus Christ, what did I just do!? Wilson is loving it. I am not nearly as amused. Is there a chance I'm mistaken? Maybe there is, right? Dear God, let me be wrong! I wasn't wrong. I'm a fucking moron.

Later that day, I'm hanging out at PV's (who had heard the story for the first time that day and knew about the PR chat session) apartment when I get a phone call from the mysterious internet woman. THE SAME GODDAMN DAY! Ladies, that doesn't reek of desperation, in case you were wondering. There is no way I'm taking the call. At this point, I still had a shred of hope that this wasn't who I thought it was, but I was playing it safe anyway. PV tried to push me to answer it and even offered his services to take the call. I refused both, insisting on seeing if she left a voicemail.

BEEP BEEP BEEP. Yes! She left a message! I immediately dialed my voicemail number and nervously played the message.

"Hey, (Puddin'). It's me, (Fat Boss). Thanks for chatting with me earlier. I'd really like to get together for appetizers and then go to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, and follow it up with a trip to Cold Stone for dessert, and maybe we'll hit up a White Castle on the way back for a late night snack. Then you can help me put up my new cow curtains and move my cow rug!"

OK, she didn't say all that. But I just know she was thinking it. I bet when she really thinks hard about it, she can still taste my dick.

She ended up calling me a couple of times a day for the next few days, leaving me more messages. I ignored every call and erased all the messages. I blocked her on Instant Messenger. I almost went into hiding.

It was kind of like Alicia Silverstone in The Crush...

...only fatter. And more legal (although one could certainly argue that society has this one backward).

Others found my predicament to be quite funny. In the end, I guess it was my fault. Not for having my fat boss give me a toothy blowjob and then leaving when I asked her to brush her teeth. I mean, by me giving out my phone number without knowing to whom I was giving it. If not for Wilson's quick thinking, I would have taken that first phone call. Then who knows how the story would end?

Glad I didn't have to find out. Which reminds me, I need to buy Wilson a drink and thank him again.

I was going to end the post here, but I have a follow-up thought. That fat bitch should have apologized, and it shouldn't have taken her 2.5 years to do it. She had me fired! The way I see it... I made out with her. I let her give me a blowjob. For a few minutes, I made her feel like a woman instead of livestock. I did her a favor, and she had me fired. Congress Vodka didn't buy itself, you fucking slob! And in case you're reading this, Fat Boss, fuck you. Unless you lost 200 lbs. and are hot now. In which case, I would like to have a threesome with you.


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Puddin' Hooks Up With His Boss

Off the bat, I must tell you that this happened my senior year in college. I would never hook up with any of my superiors at my present place of employment for a number of reasons, the least of which is the fact that I'm married.

Anyway, I worked for Residence Life as a "Security Guard" at the front desk of one of the on-campus apartment buildings. I use the term "Security Guard" lightly, as I kept that place about as secure as Paris Hilton keeps her vagina. Unless the person coming in readily admitted that he was there to rape girls, I didn't really care that much. And even that guy seemed pretty cool, so I let him in anyway. There were 2 types of people in my situation... the people like me who got paid close to minimum wage to do nothing because they needed money to buy beer, and the people who made Res Life the most important thing about their college experience. The latter were the same people who would tattle to DPS when you were having a kickass party. Fuckers. (By the way, I believe PV was an RA in college. What an assbag.)

Well, my direct supervisor, who may have been in grad school or something, had a little crush on me. But I assure you that was the only thing little about her. Here is a picture of her:

And that's her good side. She always flirted with me when she would check on me at the desk. It was gross. I'm no GQ model, so I don't know what the big deal was. Anyway, she loved me. And I knew that. And I hated it.

A quick sidenote... women in college sometimes pick an arbitrary character or animal to be their favorite, and they cover their cars, walls, notebooks, purses, whatever with it. You know what I'm talking about - Tweety Bird, Ducks, etc. My boss chose cows. I shit you not. She had to be tipping the scales at Super Heavy Weight, and she chose fucking cows as the animal to love and have all over her shit. Now, she wasn't 7'2" or anything. Apparently she was as dumb as she was fat.

Back to the story. She got my AIM screenname from one of my friends, and would periodically IM me. Remember in college and grad school when AIM was the rage? I bet I haven't logged on in 2 years. Anyway, the first time she IMed me, I had no clue who it was. She told me, and I cringed. I couldn't block her, because we apparently had mutual acquaintances, and she would know if I was ducking her. Plus, she's my boss. At least tolerate this for a while, right? Haha. No.

One night I had come home drunk. Let me rephrase that... many nights I came home drunk, but on this particular night, I decided that drunk IMing, which I had previously and ever since condemned, was a fantastic idea. So I was typing completely inappropriate things to some of my female friends. What do you think happened, when all of a sudden, an IM from my fat fucking boss appears! Since I was saying inappropriate things to 10 other girls, I decided that one more was no big deal. Well, my boss was sober as can be, and took it as me being interested. With the number of female friends telling me to stop typing and go to bed increasing, my chances at ass were dwindling. If the title of the entry didn't clue you in, I think you now know where this is going.

So my boss and I are chatting, and she invites me over to her apartment. Immediately, I recall the old adage: "Fat chicks give great head." Who couldn't use a blowjob, right? It's 3AM, I'm drunk... it's destiny! So I take the 10 minute walk to her apartment.

I knock on the door (which has a cow dry-erase board on it). She opens the door, and fills the entire doorway. She invites me in, and I recall thinking that unless she moves, there was no way I was getting past her. Well, she moves. Cows everywhere. Fucking calendar, fucking dishes, fucking screensaver... EVERYWHERE! I'm starting to regret my decision to come over, when she asks me if I want to make out. Of course, I don't want to, but to get my BJ I probably have to stomach the foreplay a bit. So we, umm, make out.

I can say with 100% certainty that it was unlike any other make out session I had ever had before or since. At the time, I was 6'2, 250. I'm a big guy. When I made out with my boss, I was ON TOP! It was surreal. I tried to enjoy the novelty of it as much as I could. If the positions had been reversed, I would not be here today to share this story, and my boss would have a tragic story to torment her for the rest of her fat years.

Well, even drunk, I can only put up with so much of this. So we stop making out for a bit and she wants to talk for a while. Fuck. Really? This is why I walked my drunk ass to the other side of campus at 3AM? Hell no. Well, she stuns me with a question... "Are you attracted to me?" This is by far the dumbest question a woman of her caliber can ask. There are essentially 2 possible answers: 1) the painful truth; or 2) a lie. She should know this. I assume she has seen herself in her extra wide mirror or has had to pay for multiple plane tickets before. Why the fuck would she ask me that? Well, even drunk I'm still a tad clever. So I avoid option 1 or 2 by throwing a question right back... "Would I be here if I weren't?" Ha! Brilliant! She totally bought it. Again, she's apparently as dumb as she is fat. Regardless, we're headed to the bed and I'm headed for my blowjob. (I can't believe that fucking bed held the both of us. It must have been really really close to the max capacity.)

So I lay down and she begins to take off my pants. With moderate whiskey dick and moo moo doing the work, it was a challenge to get, umm, prepared. So I thought of this:

(God she used to be hot!)

I was able to distract myself enough to achieve an appropriate level of excitement. Wait... what the fuck is... ouch... are those her teeth?? Jeezus christ! My fat boss was practically chewing on my dick! Well, it didn't feel good. It didn't feel good at all. I almost smacked the top of her head, which certainly would have made this story better. But I decided to grit my teeth and bear it. Regardless, the old adage was wrong... i.e. I reject the universal truth that fat chicks give great head.

So I give her the courtesy of letting her know that I'm about to pop. In what was no shock to me, nor should it be to you, she decides that she is, in fact, hungry. Let's just say, no clean-up. At this point, she had not yet taken off her clothes (thank God). Even if she had, I'm not sure I could have found her vagina without a helmet and a dipstick. But I get the sense that she wants to get naked. How dumb is she? Most women know the following, but for those that don't and are reading this... never EVER get a guy off first if you want yours. Never. It'll only happen if he's in love with you, and sometimes not even then. Right, honey?

Well, she asks me to make out with her again. Given what just happened in her fat mouth, there is no way I'm going to make out with her. I know for a fact at least one thing that was in there, and there may have been blood and little bits of flesh as well. No way. No fucking way. But, I have an idea. I kindly tell her that I don't like making out after I just blew up in a girl's mouth, and I asked her if she would mind brushing her teeth. She viewed this as a reasonable request, as I'm sure she hadn't had any action in a really really long time. A ha! My plan was working. She went into the bathroom to brush her teeth (and probably apply deodorant to her arm and fold-pits). I pull up my pants and get the fuck out of there. Part of me wishes I could have seen her face when she got out of the bathroom. But most of me is delighted I didn't have to see what was behind (in, over, and around) Door #2.

What a night, right? Yeah, well, I got fired the following week. Something about how I didn't follow Res Life protocol when working the security desk. Yeah right. So NOW they are going to start enforcing that policy? Nevermind that the given reason was completely true... it was a total pretext. I was kinda pissed, because there went my alcohol revenue source. But whatever, it meant more time to do my favorite collegiate activity - nothing. I think I'm still paying Citibank for the alcohol they bought me the rest of the year.

There's a brief follow-up to the story that I'll post soon.


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Sports Sayings That Have To Go (Installment 3)

A quick recap of what's been covered so far:

  1. We (they) hit them (us) in the mouth.
  2. Pace.
  3. Meteoric rise.
  4. Here's a guy...
  5. Literally.
  6. Mathematically Eliminated.
Flat out. This phrase is nearly always used in the following context: "Here's a guy who can flat out hit!" Basically, the phrase is a ridiculous way of saying "really." To fix what's wrong with the aforementioned phrase, an announcer would simply have to say, "[Player's last name] can really hit!" It gets the same point across, but in fewer words. I guess many of the phrases cited here are a result of on-air broadcasters having an inappropriately enlarged sense of self-importance. I think they also fear that they have to constantly be saying something in order to earn their paycheck. I suppose it's a culture thing among broadcasters to come up with dumbass modifiers and metaphors. Just use plain English, dammit! It may be hard to believe, but most of the sports fans out here think that most announcers just get in the way of watching a game! If you (I'm speaking to most announcers here) feel you have to state the obvious, keep it short. Tell me, after Votto's 3rd home run, that "Votto can really hit!" Sure I already know, but now you feel better about having said something, and I can get back to enjoying the game sooner. Win-win. Regardless, the rampant use of such sports-isms is out of control. For fuck's sake, they even made a video game called "Flat Out." They should have just called the game "Really."

I apologize... This isn't really a sports-ism, but it's a widespread occurrence in sports. It comes in all different shapes and sizes, and yet, it rarely means anything. It's a pathetic PR attempt by an athlete to cover his ass after knowingly doing something wrong and getting caught. If any of these guys were truly sorry, they wouldn't do the shit in the first place. I want an apology when Football Player X backs over his neighbor's chihuahua in his driveway after not checking the mirrors on his Land Rover. Apologies are for when people fuck up, not when people purposely violate laws or common decency. Or, I could accept an apology when an athlete does something wrong, but admits to it before he is caught. Yeah, kinda like having a conscience. The idea for this entry came to me after listening to Roger Clemens' bullshit blanket apology for "mistakes" he had made. Apparently those mistakes are between him and his family, which is why he didn't disclose them in said apology. Mind you, Clemens' apology came on the heels of the report that he was banging a 15 year old when he was 28. (Roger, come on man... you gotta pay attention to the details.) So while Roger was in Cy Young form, he was fucking this:

Now, in fairness to Roger, that used to be this:

All the same, he knew (or should have known) that what he (allegedly) was doing was wrong. Don't fucking apologize 20 years later because you were outed, you bastard. But Clemens is just one example in a litany of cases in which athletes knowingly do something wrong, then ask for forgiveness once they are caught. Save it... fake apologies are more obvious than when a woman is in denial about having facial hair.

On the hot seat. This phrase is usually used to reference the tenuous situation in which a coach finds himself when his team underachieves (although there is/was a Sportscenter segment where an anchor would lob softball questions to an athlete/coach in rapid succession, thereby creating the illusion of hard-hitting sports journalism). A coach on the hot seat may or may not be fired. Again, a stupid metaphor rears its ugly head thanks to today's sports media pundits and broadcasters. I understand the metaphor... one cannot sit on a hot seat very long. Ever sat on a black vinyl driver's seat when the car has been in the sun all day? You almost have to peel your melted skin off of the seat. Still, can't we reign in the sports media and have a return to plain English? The only hot seat I care to hear about is this one (or one like it):

Maybe more entries later.


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25 Things That Annoy Me

Over the past few weeks, Yahoo has been featuring a number of lists, 25 top rappers, 25 worst rappers, 25 best hair bands, 25 worst hair bands and so on…

What makes the Yahoo workers think they are the preeminent authority on everything? So in response, I’m making my own list.

25. Criss Angel – You’re not David Blaine and you never will be. Go back to playing birthday parties and bar mitzvahs.

24. Being stuck in traffic – I feel this one is self-explanatory.

23. People who cut me off in said traffic – Also self-explanatory.

22. People taking up multiple spaces in a parking lot – I hate it when somebody parks their f’ing Nissan Altima across 2 spaces because they feel their car is so hot, if they park it normally, somebody is going to ding their $200 paint job. Every time I see a car like this, I want to smash their windshield.

21. Bad water pressure in showers – I need all the help I can waking up, and bad water pressure just makes me want to go back to bed.

20. People who think that getting rid of all the guns would stop all the crime – for Pete’s sake, people – if someone wants to commit a crime, they’re going to find a way, guns or no guns. Get off your high horse.

19. Organic Foods – I mean, seriously, how many people can really tell a difference?

18. Country Music – I just don’t like it.

17. Flavor of Love – There has never been a bigger no-talent assbag that did so little to get famous (besides William Shatner – but I do love Boston Legal). And the fact that all these women want to sleep with him just proves to me how big of golddiggers some women can be.

16. TV Writers Striking – Don’t deprive me of my favorite TV shows just because you had a bad lawyer that didn’t negotiate a good contract.

15. The fact that Abercrombie and Fitch discontinued Woods cologne – The only thing I ever bought from A&F, my favorite kind of cologne, and they just discontinued it. Not because it wasn’t selling, but because they wanted to make way for two other colognes – both of which suck. Now I’ve been forced to pay ridiculous prices on ebay. Yet another reason for me to hate A&F.

14. Vegans – There’s meat, why not eat it?

13. America’s Next Top Model – Hot or not, Tyra Banks annoys the piss out of me, and to date, none of her progeny have actually become America’s Next Top Model…but that doesn’t stop them from cranking out season after season. I think they’re on 12 or 13 now.

12. Diddy trying to rap – A great producer and a great businessman, but I think he actually loses “street cred” by trying to rap.

11. Bottled Water – There’s a never-ending free source of it. Why pay for it?

10. Wearing the shirt of the band you’re going to see – Like they said in “PCU”, “Don’t be that guy.”

9. The TV Show Friends – I hated this show. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to hear that a TV show was ending.

8. The ending of The Sopranos – I see the symbolism in the ending, but I wanted to see Tony kick some more ass before the series was over.

7. UK Basketball/Football Fans – UK is not the greatest team in the world, and the basketball team does not deserve to go to the NCAA tourney every year, regardless of what you think. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with being supportive of your team, but UK fans feel entitled regardless of how bad the team sucks, and many of them, when asked questions like “How do you think UK will do this year?” answer in a way that I suppose would be 7(a) – by saying “Oh, I think we’ll do well this year.” Really, “we”? I always want to ask them what role they play on the team. I didn’t know they offered scholarships for being the drunk asshole painted blue at the games.

6. Student Loans – The bane of my existence.

5. People mispronouncing mischievous – Bothers me to no end.

4. Non-lawyers who represent themselves in court, civil or criminal – It’s such a waste of the Court’s time for them to do this – they don’t know how to properly form a motion, who needs to be served, how to address things at a hearing…anything.

3. Michael Vick – Used to like this guy until the dog incident. The fact that he would treat dogs like that and pay for dogs to be treated like that is fu**ing ridiculous. If I ever meet him, he’s getting a good kick in the nuts…seriously. I don’t care what the consequences would be.

2. Gas Prices – I don’t think anyone disagrees with me on this one.

1. Pretentious Lists and the People Who Make Them – You can't take yourself too seriously :)


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Why Chris Lofton is one of the most awesome people I’ve ever known.

Chris Lofton and I grew up in the same town, and he’s a cool guy. We’re not best friends or anything, and admittedly, I haven’t talked to him in a while, but I count him as more than a casual acquaintance. I know his family, and they’re all great people. I only say that because I don’t want some people thinking I consider him a friend simply because we grew up in the same town.

Chris is an awesome basketball player, but he’s a more awesome person. I read about something today, about a secret he kept from pretty much everybody, that reinforces my belief of what an awesome guy he is.

For the last year, Chris has been battling cancer. In a revelation that was only made public today, people learned about Chris’s fight with testicular cancer. It was actually discovered through sort of a fluke – he was one of the many NCAA tourney players randomly drug tested, and the results turned up positive – but what actually triggered the result was a chemical tumor marker that can show up on a drug test as steroid use.

For the whole article, feel free to check out


But what I’d like to point out is that very few people knew about this. In a time when he could’ve been complaining to everyone about what a bad break he caught, in a time when he could’ve blamed any sub-par performance on chemo side effects, surgery or just the cancer itself, he kept quiet. He didn’t want others to have to suffer with him, and he used the same determination he’s used on the court so many times to stay strong even when everybody thought he would fail.

Chris is now cancer free, although he’ll continue to be monitored. Some people might say that because he kept it to himself he was being selfish in not wanting to let others help him. I don’t believe that at all. Chris is a strong individual, but part of what makes him such a great basketball player is his ability to be a team player, and he knew that something like this could disrupt the team – the basketball team, his team of friends and family, and even his team of fans. He stayed strong for them in the face of it, he kept his faith, and he beat cancer.

Chris Lofton is a great guy. Selfless, caring and a great example for anyone to follow.


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Martial Arts vs. Mixed Martial Arts (MMA)

In a time when mixed martial arts is becoming the rage, with the UFC making millions of dollars per pay-per-view show, gaining a fan base in 36 countries and growing, multiple smaller organizations popping up all over the country, and more states sanctioning mixed martial arts (Arizona’s governor just signed a bill today calling for the regulation/legalization of MMA), I’m often disturbed by the fact that many mixed martial arts fans and practitioners believe there is no place in today’s society for traditional martial arts.

Now, I train in a traditional martial art, and I’m a huge MMA fan. I train in Ninegate Kung Fu (full name is a lot longer). Our form of kung fu includes a number of animal styles, as well as non-animal based forms, various weapon forms and a number of different forms of meditation and internal training.

As you may have seen on this blog, my kung fu school had a two-day seminar on groundfighting and throws. However, during this time, we also personally trained with my teacher’s teacher (the grandmaster), and his # 2, as well as two women from the school in Buffalo, NY. We worked on a stick-fighting form that finds its basis in a monkey style, as well a number of two-man drills designed to both improve our stance-work as well as general strength and agility. These drills mainly drew from tiger and dragon forms.

We also worked on internal training referred to as iron shirt, where you work to strengthen your chi (seriously) so that you can harden your torso to withstand really hard hits (even from some weapons). You may be skeptical, and I understand that, but I’m just using it to illustrate, because it is this sort of training that many MMA fans and practitioners have a problem with.

In addition to all the kung fu, I love MMA. I love watching it, discussing it, writing about it on the blog, guessing on outcomes of future matches, everything. I respect many of the fighters’ skills, fighting styles, strength and conditioning, and I think many mixed martial artists are some of the toughest athletes out there, period.

To give you a bit of background on MMA (since my background article on MMA keeps getting pushed back), mixed martial arts fighters usually combine a mix of various martial arts and fighting styles to put together an effective striking game (often with boxing, dirty boxing and kickboxing) and ground game, often in addition to a submission fighting style (like brazilian ju jitsu), and many times a strong wrestling background.

Contrary to the original UFC, in today’s UFC there are many rules, weight classes (like in boxing and wrestling) and heavy regulation in the states where it is sanctioned. Fighters must undergo pre and post-fight physicals, often including things like MRIs and CAT Scans, and many fighters after each event face medical suspensions after fights. In fact, it’s rare for a fighter to not face some sort of medical suspension, even for something as simple as a black eye. Safety is paramount.

The reason behind the different styles is to give fighters a chance to get out of a situation using as much of an arsenal as possible. Fighters can fight on the ground or standing up, and referees are closing watching to see if a fighter gets knocked unconscious or choked unconscious, for example. And there are ringside doctors present to respond to any apparent injuries, and talk to the fighters after the fight. Again, safety is paramount.

So – after all that, you’re probably asking yourself what the debate is about. For example, there’s a video on YouTube of some people from my school breaking concrete bricks with palm strikes (Technique called Iron Palm). Now, in the comments section, some people were very impressed, and others offered really intelligent comments such as “Well, I guess you’ll be ready if a brick attacks you in an alley,” and other great gems about how any MMA fighter could grab us in the clinch (a muay thai kickboxing technique) and knees us a couple times until we passed out because we couldn’t do anything to defend ourselves because bricks don’t hit back.

Now, first let me say – I think all kung fu and martial art practitioners are aware that there will likely never come a time when a brick attacks us in an alley….maybe someone wielding a brick….but I would also go as far as to say that all martial arts practitioners know that in a fight, no opponent is going to stand still for us to hit them. So what then, you ask, is the point of doing something like breaking bricks? Well, it’s a great exercise for toughening and strengthening the hands as well as practice proper breathing and technique. But what real world applications does it have? Well, at the higher levels of Iron Palm training, the strength and speed with which you break bricks translates into being able to break/crack bones.

MMA is a combat sport….let that soak in for a minute….a sport. And there are rules in sports. Now, in my kung fu training, we train for real world applications, not tournament style fighting. Now, I am in no way saying my kung fu training is better than MMA training. It’s just different. In MMA, you don’t train to gouge somebody’s eyes out before you break their neck (a technique we were practicing during the throws seminar). And in kung fu, you don’t train to fight for three five-minute rounds. In kung fu, you don’t specifically train to improve your cardio like in MMA. Again, one is not necessarily better than the other, they’re just different. It’s a difference of training for real-world applications versus combat sport fighting.

Do the two cross-over? Obviously. There are certain techniques within traditional martial arts that cross over well to MMA, and there are plenty of MMA techniques that could cross over to a real-world situation where your life is being seriously threatened. But let’s get back to basics for a minute – MMA stands for Mixed MARTIAL ARTS. It’s still martial arts training, but with a different goal.

I know that this kind of seems to come out of nowhere, but I guess I’m upset by people constantly debating which is better – not unlike the boxing versus MMA debate. A lot of purist boxing fans believe that MMA is a flash in the pan, and that even though boxing pay-per-view numbers are falling, champions like Floyd Mayweather pull down $20 million a fight whereas the highest paid champion in the UFC only made about $1.1 million for a championship fight, and that his actual fight fee was $400,000 – the rest came from sponsorships and a share of pay-per-view buys. So – which is better? Again, I like both. They’re just different. A combat sport is a combat sport to me, whether it’s boxing, martial arts or mixed martial arts. I don’t know if it’s just because I appreciate it more than others, but I’ve seen some awesome mixed martial arts matches, some awesome boxing matches and some awesome martial arts fights (granted, these were tournament style, not life-or-death, but they were still based solely within one martial art).

So…until more training options are available in my area, I’ll be training solely in kung fu. Once the options open up, I’ll add some more styles, but I think I’ll always practice kung fu.

With the rise of MMA, I do feel that some true martial arts styles are losing their luster, even in popular culture. Take martial arts movies, example. No longer do we see movies like “Enter the Dragon” or even Jet Li’s epic “Hero.” Instead we’re given mostly comedy martial arts, mainly in the form of Jackie Chan, or sensationalized pieces of shit like “Never Back Down” (which, for the record, I’m sure I’ll still watch).

But that’s a topic for another day, and another post. For now, I’ll leave it that I love kung fu and I love MMA, and I think there is plenty of room in the fight world for both.


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