4.30.2008

Sports Sayings That Have To Go (Installment 2)

In case you were wondering, there is a heated debate going on in the comments section of my previous post.

Just to recap, here are the first 3 entries:

  1. We (they) hit them (us) in the mouth.
  2. Pace.
  3. Meteoric rise.
If you don't like my entries or my thoughts about them, go to hell and post on your own blog. Or post a comment. Whatever.

Also, I've found a running theme through all my posts. The theme is that with each post, I have posted a picture of an attractive female celebrity. I like this theme, and I will make it my M.O. for the duration of my involvement with the blog.

And for the next 3 sports-isms that I despise...



"Here's a guy..." This phrase was coined by John Madden circa 1998 (75 lbs. and 2.5 head sizes ago). Al Michaels uses it now. That pussy Joe Buck uses it now. Even Chris Welsh uses it now. It was kinda cute when Madden said it, because Madden could say anything at any time. It was a quirk of his that should not have been adopted by other announcers. Other announcers don't say "BRAK!" do they? No, they do not. Look, Mr. Welsh/Buck/Michaels et al., when you are talking about a player, and you have made it clear who this player is by using his name or by some other means of reference, there is no need for the superfluous "Here's a guy..." Just use a simple pronoun or his last name (not his first, unless used in conjunction with his last... that's a separate entry). There is no need to reintroduce the person about whom you are already speaking. And even if you have not made it clear about whom you are speaking, just fucking tell us!

Literally. While 82% of all statistics are made up, 99.9927% of instances of the word "literally" in sports broadcasts occur in situations when the announcer, in fact, means the exact opposite. Example: "He literally bulldozed his way into the endzone!" Broken down, the announcer is LITERALLY saying that the ball-carrier brought a piece of heavy construction equipment onto the field, got in the cockpit, fired it up, and then proceeded to operate this piece of equipment in such a way that he made it into the endzone, clearing out all in his path. The announcer means to say that the ball-carrier ran into the endzone despite several opposing players trying to prevent him, by physical force, from doing so. Thus, said ball-carrier NOT LITERALLY bulldozed his way into the endzone. Just drop the word "literally" and you have your metaphor. Sometimes less is more.

By the way, Megan Fox is literally as hot as the sun.

Here's a girl who looks good in and on yellow!

Mathematically Eliminated. I am referring to the use of this phrase in relation to qualifying for the playoffs, in any sport. I suppose that the term is a contrast to the term "practically eliminated." The difference, as I see it, might be that a team 10 games back with 12 to play is practically eliminated, though is not mathematically eliminated. And yet, the concept of elimination is understood as binary... like being pregnant or being dead. You either are, or you aren't. There's no gray area. So, if an announcer said that "the [insert my favorite team, because I hear it every year with all my favorite teams] are eliminated," I would immediately conclude that there is no scenario in which they can make the playoffs. It becomes a mathematical inquiry. Thus, to say a team is "mathematically eliminated" is entirely redundant. I understand the use of "practically eliminated," but its counterpart should simply be "eliminated."

By way of analogy, let's suppose you have a friend who has been married almost 3 years, whose wife talks incessantly about her nieces and nephews, she's forced her husband to repaint the guest bedroom with pastel colors and to get his Playboys and Jenna Jameson collection out of the closet, and she bought a book of baby names when she was shopping for Tide (with bleach) at Target last weekend. If this were my friend, I would chide him by saying that his wife is "practically pregnant." He understands what I am trying to say. Sure, she's not really pregnant, but for all intents and purposes, it's a done deal. Now let's say the same friend's wife stops using birth control for a month and gets knocked up when she mysteriously changes her hair color, buys new slutty lingerie, and actually lets him do her in the butt for a few minutes first, notwithstanding the epic horror show that ensued the last time they tried it. Then she's pregnant. You wouldn't call her "scientifically pregnant" or "biologically pregnant." No. You'd call her a fucking bitch. And still, she's just pregnant. No need to modify that adjective. Herein lies my point.

I hate when an individual person redundantly repeats himself over and over. Really annoys me.

Maybe more entries later.

~Puddin'

2 comments:

GiantAsianMan said...

I got tired of the other post. And I'm not going to argue any of these because I completely agree with them. I always got a kick out of "mathematically eliminated" for the very reasons listed here. It's like when someone says "irregardless;" it shows they have no idea what they're talking about but are trying to cover for it by using big words. I'll be sad if "mathematically eliminated" goes away.

And a note about pictures of attractive female celebrities- love the idea. Will you try and make some vain attempt to segue into the picture (like with Kerri Walsh), or will it be at total random (like Megan Fox)?

Puddin' said...

I'm good with leaving the other post as well.

And to answer your question, there will always be some tie-in. Even with Ms. Fox, there was still a tie-in. But from here on out, I'll try to make a smooth transition.